An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Meeeee too!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar