An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
scared to check what name she chose
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
motivation
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.