An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I need better friends
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?