An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.