An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Oh my god
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]