An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
You Might Also Like
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
that colleague who touches your screen
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.