An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.