An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Ghost costume 😂
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell