An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Banking tips
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”