An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
This is why I hate group projects
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
when you don’t want to be too vague
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.