“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.


Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.


me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over


I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”


Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁