“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?