@VerifiedBakchod

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

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@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

@thejessbess

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@adamgreattweet

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

@robyn_vo

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁