An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.