An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?