An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”