An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
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Tell the colonel to bring it
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
haha same
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.