An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You Might Also Like
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
LMAO.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
CRYING
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.