@kimt205

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

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@jawahomer

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

@NewDadNotes

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

@daemonic3

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

@daydrinkindad

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

@Pumpkinbabypie

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

@PlanetofFinks

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@billyjoebaldwin

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

@OllyiConic

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother