An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.