An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
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At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you鈥檙e having a fight is a croissant cuz he鈥檒l try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that鈥檚 just a delicious way to end a marriage . you鈥檙e welcome .
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you鈥檙e self-employed.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they鈥檙e all room temperature
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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Me: Same.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman