An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
You Might Also Like
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Not today. 😅
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
This kid is a star!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.