An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I have a black belt in leather
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.