An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush