an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.