An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.