An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy