@truegritrumble Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
@daemonic3 An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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@truegritrumble 
@ArfMeasures WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
@VampireIguana Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
@WonderMonkey78 Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
@tjholmes Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
@Pascallisch Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
@adoraobubo Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
@brandonspikes55 I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
@Book_Krazy Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you