An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Note to self: I am a note
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I didn’t come here to be called names
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
WTF
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??