An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*