“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.