An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.