an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!