an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows