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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.