An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
j o i m p
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.