An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Good morning, Twitter 😊
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I know karate and tons of other words.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving