an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy