An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous


Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.


The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order


Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.


Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.


always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away


The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd


My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.