@TheAlexNevil

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

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@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

@Alex_but_online

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

@jimmytorosian

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

@DirtMcTurd

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

@AyeshaASiddiqi

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@geekysteven

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

@djdarrellripley

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.