An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once