an octopus is just a wet spider
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.