An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one