An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.