An odd boast
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people