An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.