An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead