@IfIwassomething

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

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@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

@GaryDelaney

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

@Chloestylo

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

@iwearaonesie

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

@thegoodgodabove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@someonesmomma

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?