“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?