An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

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Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.


so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset


I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *


*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.


Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.


My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.


I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.


Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.


[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here