An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody