@TheTweetOfGod

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

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@chrisdowning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

@clichedout

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@markydoodoo

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

@DaddyJew

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

@TeflonPawn

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

@McNarstle

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

@lazerdoov

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here