an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.