An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
#Caturday
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon