An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?