An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
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DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
i made a craigslist ad !
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall