An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
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That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.