@HellisWorthit My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
@brookeisgolden An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
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@HellisWorthit 
@HousewifeOfHell It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
@goulcher Roses are red, you always mattered,
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
@SondraDeeMe Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
@azedand2knots ‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
@CruisinSoozan Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
@basic_afbitch Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
@soulindivision I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
@sexbreakfast365 Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.