An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.


It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.


Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*


Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.


‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’


Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.


I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.


Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.