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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion